I was suffering. Internally! Mentally and emotionally suffering from the constricted and subtractions of life. I couldn’t quite explain the feelings or put a name to my state of being at the time but I knew that day as I sat at the red light something needed to change. I could no longer run, hide, or pretend any longer as I did in the past; changing my hairstyle, my car, job, my address, even men only to even up back at square one. Feeling empty and abandoned.
I was in pain. I realize now that acknowledging my pain was the first step along my healing journey.
My first encounter with abandonment happened around the age of 12 after I announced that my step father’s brother had molested me. After receiving nothing but just straight silence from that day forward, I’ve always wondered if they even heard me. It was not that they did not hear me but literally this was emotional abandonment. No questions. No empathy. Nothing! And then in my twenties after having a heated discussion with my mother about who my real father was. This time I did receive a response but nothing that would soothe my wounded heart or give me a clue to who my father was.
Pain on top pain had compounded over the years. I remember sitting with myself and dissecting my story. The pain from the physical abandonment of the only father I knew of and loved walking out without a goodbye and never returning. The man that had been around since I was two years old. The only male figure I saw each and every day for 10 years. Now he was gone just like that.
And with my childlike mind, I took on the responsibility for him leaving. This was the story I told myself and hovered over my life for years. The story of splitting my family apart. What else would I think? No one said anything to me that would cause me to think differently. I was only a child.
Never was there a conversation between my mother and me about what was going. He was just gone. He had abandoned me. He left and never came back. He didn’t even call to say “Hi”. To me, this meant I wasn’t even worth a simple phone call.
No farewells and no last words; just loss.
Unlike death which is certain, emotional and physical abandonment can leave you in a state of certainty. The days of questioning and wondering whether or not someone will ever return, why they left, and struggling with fear of trusting people or will they too abandon me. Similar to being rejected, being abandoned accompanied the loss of self-worth.
In my lifetime there has been no closure, only the grievance of the departed love and the illusion of what could have been. Until I discovered the truth about abandonment and how it affects my relationships.